Not an regular mobile site question

I have seen a ton of mobile browser detects out there. Okay, not a ton, but like ten. But none of them do what I want.

Each of the ones I’ve seen detect the browser and automatically recode a template OR send the user to another theme. I don’t want that much help. I just want the plugin (or other means) to read the browser type and/or width. Once it does that, I want control over the template and CSS.

How can I achieve this? I am “eh” with PHP and barely keep my head above water with JS. I am trying to read if the user is on a mobile device. If they are, then I want to use PHP to remove some elements on a template and then call a different style sheet. I use three template on my site. So I need to call this plugin or function with each.

I need to knock this out like yesterday. So any help you can give me would be really appreciated.

Thanks.