WP 2.8 fresh install Fatal error: Call to undefined function wp_dashboard_setu

I have tried many many many different permutations of fresh installations, installations with old configs, with or without plugins, anything I could think of but to no avail.

I now installed WP fresh from the latest .tar.gz file.
I ran the install script succefully.
Blog created successfully.
When I login with admin it gives me a page with just this error on it:
Fatal error: Call to undefined function wp_dashboard_setup() in /home/sites/blog.bakabt.com/web/wp-admin/index.php on line 15

Up to this point I have already tried many many many many many, I can not overexpress, many many many things to get this working.

Chown apache * -R, chmod 775 * -R both have no effect.
Yes all files exist.

The only solution that I know is to disable APC (why? no idea).
Adding wp- to apc.filters does not work.

One peculiarity that I find useful to mention is the following.
The above error occurs on wp-admin/index.php
When I alter the require_once on line 13 to a require. Then duplicate that same line. I now expect a function-name clash, but no. It just gives me a white page (wtf?).
Then if I enable error_reporting(E_ALL&E_STRICT) I get this error instead:
Fatal error: Call to undefined function wp_cache_init() in /home/sites/blog.bakabt.com/web/wp-settings.php on line 299

Can someone please tell me how to fix this?
I will repeat myself if I have been unclear:
THIS IS A FRESH INSTALL. Yes, all files are present (checked with file_exists). No, require_once does not seem to do it’s job. Yes, disabling APC works but is not an option for me.

I must add that I am an experienced professional PHP programmer and I simply can not explain the above behaviour. It seems like somehow the cache is interfering. But the errors only appear when using require_once, when using require the behaviour changes radically.

Help!